The List List

Also by Stephen Hawking (author of "A Brief History of Time," "A Briefer History of Time," and "The Universe in a Nutshell")

2006-10-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

"A Concise Summary of Time"

"A Quick Recap of Time"

"String Theory on a Bumper Sticker"

"The Wess-Zumino-Witten model of Quantum Field Theory in a Fortune Cookie"

"The Schrödinger Equation on a Candy Heart"

"Time.ppt"

Ode To Travelling

2006-07-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

***10 things I miss about my vacation***

10. Flat land - so I could walk everywhere.

9. Public Toilets (or the ability to pay any restaurant to use one)

8. afternoon snack of Simit (like a pretzel, but round, crunchier, and coated with sesame seeds ... often served sliced with some sheeps milk cheese in the middle, like a sandwich) and Camlica Gazoz (Turkish lemon soda)

7. Vlamese Frite Stands

6. Dinner at 10 pm

5. Being the "exotic" one

4. Fresh Crusty French Bread - If you've never been to France, you truly have NO idea.

3. Cheap Local Wines by the half carafe

2. Turkish Baths

1. Coffeeshops (the brown kind) - I'm going to do it anyway, you might as well let me be civilized about it.

***Things I don't miss***

- Squating over a hole in the ground to pee

- The "Hey Lady!" litany of Sultanahmet

- The strays

- European 2-star accomdations

- paying 10 euros for a cocktail

Profound Unanswered Questions That Are Also Song Titles

2006-06-30T06:19:00.000-07:00

"What becomes of the brokenhearted?"

"What if God was one of us?"

20 points on why I should just go home today

2006-06-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

I don't feel well (granted, I usually don't this time of day so that's not a huge stretch, but still...)
There are movies I need to watch and return to Netflix.
My cat needs me.
This place stifles my creative energy and makes me feel trapped in a cage.
The bed is at home, waiting for me.
It's been too long since I've pleasured myself. Seriously.
There are snacks at home.
There are piles upon piles of laundry to do (and really, laundry is better to do during the day, isn't it?)
There are bills to pay (oh, they don't get paid if I don't work? Shit.)
It's okay for me to be inebriated if I'm not here. Just sayin.
I forgot my lunch and no one can cover for me to go get one.
Alright... I just don't like the lunch that I brought, shutup.
Dude, I just need to be alone and think about stuff.
You wouldn't miss me.
Just look at these circles under my eyes!
I don't give you shit when you wanna go home (well, not to your face at least.)
I have no idea what's going on on daytime television these days.
Did I mention there are snacks at home? And beverages?
I need to clean the house and come on, I shouldn't have to do that "on my own time."
Look at this. Look at what this boredom has led me to!

10 Things That Make My Taste Buds Wanna Holla (Ranked lowest to highest)

2006-06-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

10. A Sabretts hot dog dressed with mustard and relish

9. Nehi Orange soda

8. Green Apple flavored chewing gum (Extra)

7. Snickers (It really does satisfy!)

6. Chocolate pudding smothered lovingly with whipped cream

5. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (It's the cheesiest!)

4. Hidden Valley Ranch dressing

3. Popeyes fried chicken (Love that chicken from.....)

2. Deep, wet, kisses, directly after consuming peppermint
candy
1. Cinnamon oil licked off of the body of a lover

Celebrities I Have Met

2006-05-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

Ozzy Osbourne (backstage)
The Fixx (remember them? post-show party. woohoo!)
Bryan Adams (high school buddy)
Chastity Bono (waited on her and her very friendly girlfriend)
Don Johnson (waited on him and his teenage fucktoy)
Peter Tork (waited on him... alone and Monkeeless, but with a great sense of humor)
John Turturro (waited on him and his wife)
Robert Crumb & Terry Zwigoff (waited on them... what is the sound of two introverts dining?)
Motorhead (I was one of their crowd handlers during a record store appearance)
Pierre Trudeau (on a surfing trip)

Relief for high oil costs: The President's Checklist

2006-04-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

Make empty gesture of temporarily deferring additions to the Strategic Petrolum Reserve.

Repeal $2 billion in tax cuts on the oil industry. (Leave other $10 billion in tax cuts alone.)

Make sure you say "we're a nation addicted to foreign oil," not just "we're addicted to oil."

Blame Democratic administration for not opening up the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to oil drilling ten years ago .

Ease environmental requirements for refiners.

Say nothing about Iraq.

Or Iran.

Or Karl Rove.

Make "thumbs up" gesture.

Go for bike ride.

Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople

2006-04-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

top 10 reasons I'm going:

10) It’s the cradle of civilization

9) The Grand Bazaar (shop til I drop, probably literally) & The Egyptian Spice Market

8) It’ll be complete culture shock – and I mean that in the best ways

7) They call it “Turquoise” for a reason

6) One city – two continents

5) Hagia Sophia & The Blue Mosque

4) I get to visit what was once a real harem & Nur-u Banu’s Baths (Skye O’Malley fantasies realized!!)

3) Sunset on the Bosphorus

2) Notching off another “thing I must do before I die” from that list

1) “It is in every sense — culturally, historically, scenically and culinarily — inexhaustible.”

Highlights from Suri Cruise's First Year

2006-04-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, I cheated. It's over here.
http://notrealnews.blogspot.com/2006/04/highlights-from-suri-cruises-first.html

Reasons for my Headaches

2006-04-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

They hit me every time I walk into the room of my office and I don’t know why.

1. The air is dry.
2. There is a chemical leak somewhere and will slowly kill me.
3. My brain recognizes and rejects its surroundings.
4. My eyes refuse to stare at a tiny laptop screen for 9+ hours.
5. I associate stress with work..
6. The genius who ordered the new chairs bought ones that don’t recline or adjust.
7. Everyone around me speaks German all day and I can’t focus.
8. Lingering effects from watching Wife Swap on accident.
9. Voodoo. Maybe the doll of me is trapped with its head under a chair leg.

Guilty Pleasures

2006-02-28T21:46:00.000-08:00

The list of Pop Culture I really shouldn't like (But I honestly do!*)

10) 2 Live Crew - So offensive they wrap their way back to funny

9) Laguna Beach - You rock, LC.

8) The Rock - since we're speaking of. I can smeeeeelllllll what he's cookin'

7) Kelly Clarkson - I even fell for her stupid love song

6) Flavor of Love - Can't. Look. Away.

5) Ricky Martin - I know the lyrics in Spanish

4) The Nanny Reruns on Lifetime TV - before that freaks you completely, one of my first crushes was Charles Shaughnessy's Days of Our Lives Character**.

3) MTV "Reality" Dating Shows - Date My Mom (MILFs!), Next! (Trainwreck!), Parental Contol (dear lord!), Room Raiders (why does the spy kit really have latex gloves??)

2) Oreos - they haven't killed me yet!

1) 1980s Michael Jackson - do I really need to explain why that makes me ashamed?

*Quick Sex Tip of the Day on the topic of your choosing on my blog to the first person who gets that reference.

** I was 10.

7 Potential Karaoke Numbers*

2006-02-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

* to be performed in front of co-workers for a going-away party...

Proud Mary, Tina & Ike -- performed with lots of booty-shaking

Livin' on a Prayer, Bon Jovi -- with someone doing the "wahoowahoowahoowahoo" part as my backup singer

9 to 5, Dolly Parton -- co-workers can relate and will sing along!

Father Figure, George Michael -- for the ewww factor

Shook Me All Night Long, ACDC -- no actual singing required

Wild Thing, Tone Loc -- who doesn't love it?

Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen -- I like a challenge

Excuses I Have Made for Not Posting Here in Three, Make That Four Months

2006-02-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

10 Songs That Always Get Me on the Dance Floor

2006-01-30T15:07:00.000-08:00

10. La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin (yeah, yeah, I know .... so, shuddup, ok?)
9. It Takes Two - Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock
8. How Many Licks? - L'il Kim
7. White Lines - Grandmaster Flash
6. Hot in Here - Nelly
5. Love Shack - B52s
4. Push It - Salt-n-Pepa
3. Let's Go Crazy - Prince
2. Baby's Got Back - Sir-Mixx-Alot
1. Groove is in the Heart - Dee-Lite (it's definitely in mine!)

4 Excuses I Have Made For Not Posting Here In 3 Months

2006-01-18T16:52:00.000-08:00

i am lame.
i allow silly things like work* get in the way of my blog-list writing.
i couldn't think of anything.
no one else has been posting much, either.

*"work" also includes: IMing, blogging, chatting with coworkers, paying bills online, roaming the office halls, and making frequent trips to the ladies' room.

Things I Miss About Being A Kid

2005-12-12T13:11:00.000-08:00

-Climbing trees
-Building Forts
-Riding my bike around the neighborhood for hours
-The way the world is created anew with every discovery
-Childhood Wonder
-Barbies
-Trick-or-Treating
-Having Summers Off
-Playing with my cousins
-Sitting on my grandma's lap and feeling completely loved & safe & like nothing could ever harm me as long as I was there

hairballs over the past 72 hours

2005-11-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

the closet
the stairs
the foot of the bed
the side of the bed
the other side of the bed
the stairs again
and again
the kitchen floor
right where MeJane stepped on her way to the bathroom in the middle of the night

Winter

2005-11-28T14:17:00.000-08:00

1. slanted sunlight
2. sniffling
3. wanting to never get out of bed again
4. cold fingers, cold toes
5. naked tree limbs
6. eight pm is midnight
7. hoping for spring, hoping for spring

Willardisms

2005-10-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

in which I detail some remarks typical of my father

"...take a swig..."
"...wash it down..."
"...got to have me my biscuits..."
"...you got to have good coffee..."
"...what'cha gotta understand about oil is..."
"...cotton-pickin'..."
"...straighten up and fly right..."
"...good for nothin'..."
"...triflin', just triflin'..."
"...they ain't never done one thing for the workin' man..."
"...them damned Republicans..."

Things in a shopping cart at Sutter and Stockton

2005-10-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

a deflated basketball

a half eaten sandwich

a Starbucks cup

a "Detroit Pistons World Champions" hat

a copy of "The Watchtower"

What I Seem To Have Consumed For Dinner

2005-10-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

1/8 of a canister of cashew nuts
1 glass of pinot noir
1/2 glass of pinot grigio
1 packet of peanut M&Ms (purchased Saturday from a Peachy Puff girl who went to Wellesley)
1 gin & tonic

Things That Could Tickle Me To The Point Where I Wet My Pants And Want To Die From Embarrasment

2005-10-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

*A feather behind my knee

*Knobby fingers pressing hard and unrelenting into my rib cage

*Light touches along my spine

*Blowing slowly on my neck

If I Were A Rich Man

2005-09-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

Daidle
Deedle
Daidle
Daidle
Deedle
Daidle
Dum

If I were a Broadway Star

2005-09-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

these are the characters I would want to play:

Maggie - Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Tennesse Williams)

Eleanor of Aquitaine - A Lion in Winter (James Goldman)

Alison - Look Back in Anger (John Osborne)

Beatrice - Much Ado About Nothing (Shakespeare)

Rizzo - Grease

The Fool - King Lear (Shakespeare)

Puck - A Midsummer Night's Dream (Shakespeare)

Hedda - Hedda Gabler (HenrikIbsen)

Velma Kelly - Chicago

Things I Ate in China

2005-09-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

Freshwater eel

Silkworm larvae

Deep fried baby sparrows

Soft shell turtle soup (served whole, upside down, in broth, everyday for lunch and dinner, for 6 days.)

Fried scorpions (soaked in brine to neutralize poison)

Something which I now believe to have been a member of the centipede family (about 6" long and 1" wide)

Fried locusts

Snake

McDonald's double cheeseburger

8 Things That Bring Me Joy (in absolutely no order other than how they came to mind)

2005-09-13T18:01:00.000-07:00

peppermint stick ice cream from friendly's, which only comes out at christmas time
my sister's laugh
puppy breath
the sound of an orchestra warming up
november
the first sip of hot, black coffee on a saturday morning at a cafe with a blank page in front of me
fireplaces
craigslist*

*cl has brought me joy -- not just in the form of entertainment, employment, or living spaces (though it's brought me those things, too). but mostly cl has brought me joy because it has brought me...well... you.

The Ten Most Disturbing Films I've Ever Seen

2005-09-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

10. Strange Days
seriously disturbing rape/murder scene

9. Poltergeist
So not a movie to show an 8 year-old. I've never recovered from the stuffed clown scene. The fact that my friend attacked me with hers in the middle of the night after I told her I’d watched the movie probably didn’t help.

8. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Look out for the meat hook! And whatever you do, please don’t open the reach-in freezer.

7. Spoorloos
(aka "The Vanishing", the film Keifer Sutherlands’s movie of the same name was based on) My most feared way to die is featured in this movie. I won’t say what, in case you haven’t seen it. It’s a spoiler.

6. Eye For an Eye
I’m not a parent, but I just can’t even imagine …

5. Monster
Just GAH. But so very well done

4. The Pillow Book
Ewan MacGregor’s huge schlong notwithstanding ... please don’t ask me what they made the “book” out of.

3. Kids
Bleak, so very, very bleak

2. The Messenger
Any movie that makes me dream about discussing his character's godness/devilness in a bathtub with Dustin Hoffman makes this list.

1. Ôdishon
(aka "The Audition") Needles in the eye! Needles in the eye! No, that was not a lighthearted romantic comedy*.

Runners-Up:
Requiem For a Dream
Event Horizon

*do Japanese filmmakers even make lighthearted romantic comedies?

New Ideas for Drugs that the FDA Probably Won't Approve

2005-09-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

Xanax-lax-- Socially Anxiety Disorder is bad enough without being constipated.

Xanax-tacs-- Social Anxiety Disorder is bad enough. No one wants to be around someone with bad breath. With Retsyn(tm).

Ritalin Silver-- Treats adult ADD and provides the vitamins and minerals that older people need. ADD and osteoporosis are a bad combination.

Rohypnol Chewables-- My sister inspired this one after a rough day at the aquarium with her 18 month old son. She said she just wished she could slip him a roofie or something. They would be orange and cherry flavored, and come in the shapes of lovable reality TV characters such as Anna Nicole Smith and Bobby Brown. (My sister is a wonderful mom. Don't judge.)

Lipithorazine-- Finally, an anti-psychotic medication that also lowers your cholesterol!

Meth-amucil-- Tweakers need fiber.

Things I’ve Wanted to Be When I Grow Up

2005-09-08T22:31:00.000-07:00

(then til now)

-President
-The First Female Attorney General (damn you, Janet Reno!)
-Princess Leia
-A lawyer
-A journalist
-A romance novelist
-A film writer/director/producer
-A judge (I hear the Supreme Court has a vacancy ...)
-An entrepreneur
-A Horse Breeder
-A lobbyist
-A restaurateur
-A lotto winner
-A nightclub owner
-A sex educator
-A porn star (if only!!)
-The next Doctor Ruth

The Clumsy List

2005-09-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

Wherein I detail unusual and unexpected ways in which I, El Gallo, Clumsiest Man In The World^tm, have hurt myself.

• brushing my teeth
(toothbrush to the gums, toothbrush to my cheek, toothbrush to my face, bitten tongue)
• laying perfectly still in bed
(hurt knee, hurt shoulder, pulled back)
• walking very slowly
(smashed head into garage door)
• turning my head
(slammed face into wall causing my glasses to fly across the room and some small bruising)
• getting into the car
(bashed head into car door, car roof, car seat and seatbelt)
• having sex
(dislocated knee cap*)
• eating salad
(multiple lettuce cuts to lips)
• sleeping
(bruised testicles**)
• drinking water
(many instances of bashing the glass into my teeth)
• standing there
(bruised foot, hurt knee)
• surfing the internet
(severe swollen knee joints***)
• opening mail
(multiple paper cuts, cardboard cuts, rapped knuckes)
• hugging

UDATE:
• making waffles
(sliced finger on measuring cup)
• cuddling
(acute joint pain)
• doing laundry

*And this was missionary position. Slow missionary position.
**OUCH!
***My knees were so swollen I couldn't bend them for two weeks. This is when I learned to hate lower shelves.

The Cast

2005-09-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

since it's been asked about here and there, i thought i'd provide a brief cast of characters whom i tend to write about and/or who comment a bunch who i know in real life, pre-blogging. most know each other:

el_gallo and i dated for three years and broke up -- extremely amicably -- a year ago. he is the first person i knew in san francisco, and we met over labor day in 2001.
after a couple years of living in the city, i had grown a great group of friends (along with el_g). many of them read and comment on my blog and have fabulous blogs of their own. these people include (Brilliant)Missy, TheBoy, serrephim, mejane, snarky, sweetone, and RiseyP. who are all friends with each other.
el_g and mejane are a couple now, as he has already mentioned in his blog.
i now work with Risey! (she referred me for my new job.) and in case you were wondering, it's pronounced Reese-ey (like as in 'witherspoon' not -a-roni).
i made a few awesome friends where i used to work, too, whom i still reference and who occassionally comment: KnitterStacy, PinkJaime, and ShoeHo in particular.
i met GeekLove, Melody (of the crazy) and MakeOutKate through my a cappella group.
and finally, various members of my family have appeared or commented, which i love. there are my two younger sisters (SisterSam and SisterHealy). there's my CuzNate, who i speak more to in comments than in real life, though not on purpose :). various members of my family in the midwest read, too, but i'm not sure if/when they comment. and then there's my best friend from back east, too, and her mom (M2) who pretty much count as family.

and of course, there's my dad. (you know, the guy who signs his comments "Dad.") i never know when he might comment or what he might say, but then, i'm sure he never expected to see a picture of my ass on the internet, either. so there you go.

Recovery from Hurricane Katrina - the President's Check List

2005-09-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

Give a speech in which you seem glib, detached and utterly incapable of empathy.

Credit your administration for anything that appears to be going even remotely well.

Blame Democrats and big government for anything that's not going well.

Somehow, use this disaster to make a case for staying the course in Iraq.

Somehow, use this disaster to illustrate why we need personal retirement savings accounts.

Thank your lucky stars you can stop talking about that Cindy What's-her-face.

Deploy the National Guard-- oh wait, they're already deployed in that other Gulf region.

Buy stock in Home Depot.

Gwen Stefani Sings My Life (1995 - 2005)

2005-08-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sixteen (1995 ... I was 19, but eh)**
Hey Baby (1995 - 1998)****
Just A Girl (1998 - 2000)**
The Climb (1998 - 2000)**
Spiderwebs (2000 - 2004)**
Simple Kind of Life (2000)***
Marry Me (2001)***
Detective (2001 - 2002)****
Bathwater (2002)***
Let's Get Back (2002)*
Start The Fire (2002 - 2003)****
Excuse Me Mr. (2001 - 2004)**
Waiting Room (2004)****
Ex-Girlfriend (2004)***
Big Distraction(2004)*****
Hella Good (2004)****
Magic's In the Make-up (1995 - 2004)***
Underneath It All (2004 - 2005)****
Full Circle (2004 - 2005)*****
Making Out (2005)****
Real Thing (2005)******
Don't Speak (2005)**
What You Waiting For? (2005)******
__________________ (2005 -> ?)*******

* from No Doubt's 1992 album No Doubt
** from No Doubt's 1995 album Tragic Kingdom
*** from No Doubt's 2000 album Return of Saturn
**** from No Doubt's 2001 album Rock Steady
***** from No Doubt's 2004 album Everything In Time
****** from Gwen's 2004 solo album Love.Angel.Music.Baby
******* not sure what's coming next, but I'm hoping for Cool.

Synergistic Retail Combinations, Coming Soon to a Mall Near You

2005-08-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

Pottery Barnes and Noble – Buy a book, a CD, and a set of hurricane lanterns for your dining table.

In-N-Outback- You won’t mind paying $20.00 for a burger and fries, once you hear our HILARIOUS Australian accents!

Foot Lockbuster- Rent movies from guys dressed like referees.

FCUDKNY- I think they sell clothes.

Gap in the Box- Cargo Shorts and Curly Fries.

Banana Navy Crew- Outrageous things may happen the first time your vessel crosses the equator, but you’ll feel comfortable and look great in our khakis and polos!

Cinnabombay Company- While you’re looking at our knock-off’s of traditional American furnishings, why not have a gigantic curry-flavored breakfast pastry?

Crate Bath Barrel & Beyond- We are the number one source for all of your Crate, Bath, Barrel and Beyond needs.

Victoria’s Secret Olive Garden – Victoria’s got a secret: the food is barely edible, but the portions are enormous! Menu features pictures of Stephanie Seymour eating bread sticks in her underwear.

The 40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs ... EVER (according to VH1)

2005-08-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

If they're so bad .... why is that I like so many of them?

40. Sugar Walls – Sheena Easton
39. Oops (oh My) – Tweet
38. Lick It Up – Kiss
37. Knockin’ Da Boots – H-Town
36. Downtown - SWV
35. My Love Is Like … Wo – Mya
34. Sex Bomb – Tom Jones*
33. C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train) – Quad City DJs
32. Freek’n You – Jodeci
31. Tease Me Please Me – The Scorpians
30. Whoomp! There It Is – Tag Team*
29. Bump Bump Bump – B2K
28. I Want Action – Poison
27. Dip It Low – Christina Milian
26. Cradle of Love – Billy Idol*
25. Come Baby Come – K7*
24. Let’s Ride – Montell Jordon
23. Figured You Out – Nickelback*
22. I Touch Myself – The Divinyls*
21. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart**
20. She Blew My Mind (69 Times) – Rick James
19. Splash Waterfalls – Ludacris
18. The Stroke – Billy Squier
17. Tonight – Da Band
16. Fuck Me For Free – Akinyele
15. Let’s Put the X in Sex – Kiss
14. Peaches & Cream – 112
13. Pretty Mess – Vanity
12. She Bangs – Ricky Martin*
11. My Neck, My Back (Lick It) – Khia
10. Honey Love – R. Kelly
9. Touch Me (I Want Your Body) – Samantha Fox*
8. Pony – Ginuwine
7. Naughty Naughty – John Parr
6. Do Me! – Bell Biv Devoe
5. How Many Licks – L’il Kim***
4. Can I Touch You … There? – Michael Bolton
3. Get Naked (w/ Lil Kim/George Clinton/Mix Master Mike/Fred Durst) – Methods of Mayhem
2. I Wanna Sex You Up – Color Me Badd
1. Physical – Olivia Newton John

* denotes a song I currently have on my MP3 player
** Do Ya Think I'm Sexy was one of my very first favorites songs when I was a kid.
*** How Many Licks kicks ass and is still one of my favorite and most played songs.

Points Of Concern, Or Issues I'm Facing As I Preapre To Start Grad School

2005-08-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

-I haven’t written a graded paper in 5 years. This wouldn't concern me so much if I hadn't spent the majority of my writing time in the last 5 years penning some kind of porn. I don't think graphic fisting descriptions are going to apply to Government Grant Writing ... but I guess ya never know.

-Waiting on the platform for the M-train after class each week. It’s fucking COLD in the Sunset at 10 pm, and at that time of night, the M only runs every half hour and it’s SO not coordinated with the classes that get out at 9:45.

-Loneliness - the work/school combo don't leave a lot of time to find/build/maintain a relationship.

-The teacher fetish that has grown exponentially in the last 2 years: If any of my profs are hot, I’m screwed (literally would be nice). “Oh, what about non-profit fundraising? I’m sorry, I was busy imagining myself bent over face down on your desk, jeans and panties around my knees, as you swat my ass with the chalk-extending stick while the entire class watches and counts the blows off for you ... can you please repeat the question?”

-Eating – The less free time I have, the poorer my eating habits become. I don’t want to take the time to cook and clean, and anything I can get in a hurry that won’t break my bank, isn’t good for me.

-My “integrate all parts of my life” scheme may come back and bite me in the ass. I can just see some discussion wherein I accidentally blurt out “the other night when I was at a party, I was watching this hot guy 69 this chick, and when the position clearly became uncomfortable for him, I shoved a stuffed tiger under his head so he could continue his portion of the meal … I really do just want to help people”. I haven’t needed to consider the appropriateness of my anecdotes for a while now.

-How the hell am I going to work full time, go to school, and do an internship, when it's internship time? Oh well, I guess there goes a summer.

-I wonder if all that time naked in front of an audience at a sex club means public speaking will be easier … Do you think it will help if I imagine them all picturing me naked?

The List of Bitter Existential Dread and Soul Numbing Cynicism pt. I

2005-08-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

• When I was five, my brother ran over my dog. I wept on the couch and yelled "You killed her! You killed her!" I try to make up for this by buying him booze whenever I can.

• When I was six, standing stock still on a sunny spring morning overwhelmed by the birds and the bugs and the worms and the grass and the trees -- all of them eating each other -- all of them dying -- in a cycle that will only end when the earth is consumed by the sun. My mom didn't really understand the implications of telling me "It's nice out. Go outside and play."

• When I was six, the first recess on the first day of school, a kid I'd never seen before walked up and punched me. Then he walked away and punched somebody else. He punched at least five other kids before we went back to class.

• When I was nine, I read the Bible. I'd suspected the whole God thing was a load of crap, but that cinched it.

• When I was ten, Ronald Reagan was elected President. His closest advisors stole weapons from the military, sold them to fundamentalist Islamic terrorists and gave the money to drug running nun murderers. Somehow, this protected us God fearing Christians from Communism. Don't even get me started on the whole Bitburg thing.

• When I was eleven, one of the "Mexican" kids in my fifth grade class couldn't do a long division problem on the blackboard. When he finally gave up, still standing in front of the whole class, my math teacher lectured him for five long minutes about how he was never going to go anywhere in life if he couldn't even do such a simple math problem. This is a kid who never got to stay at one school more than three months because his parents were migrant workers.

• When I was twelve, there was a girl at my school who smelled really bad. All the other kids made fun of her. The principal made her go home one day and take a bath because she smelled so bad. She was really nice, and smart and even played with her little brother (which is a big deal at that age.) Her mother had been in an car accident a few years before that, and ever since she didn't clean the house or bathe her kids or even herself.

• When I was sixteen, a guy at my high school raped a girl in the photography class' darkroom. When they graduated, she married him.

• When I was seventeen, I had just had sex with the first girl I'd ever had sex with. She broke down crying and told me her father had come in to her room at night and molested her for years. He was a cop.

• When I was eighteen, my parents found a beautiful (obviously) purebred dog hunkering down on our porch, bleeding. He was a good dog. He rested his head in my lap the whole seven mile drive to the vet and didn't even complain. Somebody had shot him through the right lung at point blank range with a shotgun. We found this out after the vet had put him to sleep -- she pulled the wadding from the shotgun shell out of the wound. We never found out who shot him, other than we knew it had to have been one of our neighbors.

• When I was nineteen, the girl I was dating called me up and wanted me to come over. She was afraid her brother-in-law was going to rape her. Again. Her family didn't like me because they thought my earrings and leather jacket meant I was a Satan worshipper.

• When I was twenty four, a guy I knew from college dropped dead. Out of the blue. No reason. Bam. He was a nice guy, and his girlfriend really loved him.

My Music - 1983 - 1993

2005-08-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

the following are the albums I owned my first 10 years of owning music ... I was given my first LP in 1983, when I was a wee lass of 7 ... before that, everything I listened to was a book on tape that I followed along with my Sing-Along-Play-Along Fisher Price Tape Player

the only LPs I ever owned (spun on my wonderful Fisher Price record player):
Thriller - Michael Jackson
The Chipmunk's Christmas Special

The Tapes
She's So Unusual - Cyndi Lauper
Like A Virgin - Madonna
Sport! - Heuy Lewis & the News
Control - Janet Jackson
Purple Rain - Prince
20 Golden Greats - Buddy Holly
Different Light - The Bangles
True Blue - Madonna
Touch Me - Samantha Fox
Heaven On Earth - Belinda Carlisle
The Unforgettable Fire - U2
Private Dancer - Tina Turner
Spanish Fly - Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
Joshua Tree - U2
He's The DJ, I'm The Rapper - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
Forever Your Girl - Paula Abdul
As Nasty As They Wanna Be - The 2 Live Crew
Girl You Know it's True - Milli Vanilli

Then, in 1989, I got a CD Player
Wilson Phillips - Wilson Phillips (1st CD I ever bought ... *is ashamed*)
Gonna Make You Sweat - C + C Music Factory (2nd CD I bought -- same day as the 1st)
I'm Breathless - Madonna
Hotel California - The Eagles
Rattle & Hum - U2
The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack (movie version)
Hair Soundtrack (movie version)
The Commitments Soundtrack (I wore it out and bought it again a few years ago)
Stop Making Sense - Talking Heads
BloodSugarSexMagik - The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Doubt - Jesus Jones
Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes
Nevermind - Nirvana
Kill Uncle - Morrissey
Boss Drum - The Shamen
Pretty Hate Machine - Nine Inch Nails
Achtung Baby - U2
Zooropa - U2
Best ... I - The Smiths
Grave Dancers Union - Soul Asylum
It's a Shame About Ray - The Lemonheads
The Immaculate Collection - Madonna
Sliver Soundtrack
Peter's Friends Soundtrack
Much Ado About Nothing Soundtrack

A Rose By Any Other Name

2005-08-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

I just found a post on Risey’s blog in which she created a list of names for herself based on the directions below, and I had to make my own list of names:

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (Name of first pet / Street you live on):
Lady Richland

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather's first name):
Yogurt Earnest

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant):
Bat Firecracker

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot):
Basil Amsterdam

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied):
Pickle Capitola

6. "FLY GIRL/BOY" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
N. Pag

7. ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen):
Niblet Syrah

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School):
Seal Harbor**

9. BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink):
Mozzarella Margarita

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name / Street Where You First Lived):
Mykala Hilltop

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
Chocolate Kleinenberg

12. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: ( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in):
Nigan Nesan

**seriously!

i still miss that he...

2005-07-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

hates the phone and loves proper bath products
enjoys bad television (including informercials) as much -- if not more -- than i do
knows good gin
can fix anything
owns every good song ever recorded
can dance
is infinitely capable of calling me on my Crazy (and/or ignoring it)
is so talented
makes me laugh every time i see him
doesn't read the things i write

Foods You Can Eat With A Mouth Wound

2005-07-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

1) milk shakes
2) smoothies
3) plain or vanilla yogurt -- but only if you have a straw
4) baby food
5) anything you're willing to puree -- straw needed
6) very smooth applesauce - yep, straw
7) small chunks of banana you can push way into your mouth and swallow whole
8) kraft macaroni & cheese (as long as you don't chew)

and, as a warning:

Things Not to Eat
1) Pizza
2) Very Crusty Bread
3) Oatmeal
4) Tomato Soup (not even with a straw)

The Songs...

2005-07-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

...that I used to listen to when um, alone and feeling frisky (with myself, you know).

Some pretty obvious choices here:

Closer - Nine Inch Nails
The Most Wonderful Girl - Lords of Acid
Orgasm - Porno for Pyros
Sanctuary - Madonna
Gett Off - Prince
If - Janet Jackson
I Sit on Acid - Lords of Acid
some crazy techno mix with a lot of moaning

This is circa 1996. Good times...don't laugh!

Anyone care to share their embarassment with me?

Other Things That Jesus Saves

2005-07-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

movie stubs
receipts
bank statements
newspaper clippings
soda can tabs
empty prescription bottles
toenail clippings
instruction manuals
tax returns
pennies
plastic bags
used aluminum foil (washed)

If I Had A Hammer, I Would :

2005-07-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

~~hammer in the morning~~
~~hammer in the evening~~
~~hammer out danger~~
~~hammer out a warning~~
~~hammer out love between my brothers and sisters~~
probably lose it

Apologies to Lee Hays and Pete Seeger

Interests

2005-07-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

Reading
Writing
Procrastinating
Making Things That No One Will Ever See
Sleeping
Playing With Other People's Children For Money
Collecting Things
Convincing People I Am Someone Else
Giving It All Away
Making My Cats Feel Ashamed Of Their Bodies
Embracing Monotony
Taking Old Photographs
Riding The Bus
Singing In The Shower
Breaking Rules
Mending Hearts

Signs I'm Becoming an Old Man

2005-07-08T15:55:00.000-07:00

The hair.
.....I'm not shaving my head because I'm tired of my bounty of luscious curls.
.....I have to shave my ears too.
.....We won't talk about the nose hair. No. No we won't.

The rambling.
.....Everybody's heard about the family fixation with motor oil/how great that crepe place is/those damned Republicans. I certainly do appreciate the polite nodding.
.....I spend less time talking about the intricacies of UNIX print queue setup and their effect on employee moral than I do thinking about them. No, really.
.....I now engage in meta-rambling on the Internet. I'm sure BART is next. You may want to not sit next to me, just in case.

The crankiness.
.....I'm increasingly aware of how people don't walk, drive, or even stand in line the way I think they should. Stay to the right, people! Stay to the right!
.....My punk rock angst at the state of popular culture has devolved into a constantly suppressed rant about kids today being violent pot smoking hoodlums with no sense of fashion.
.....Would you like to hear about how my knees don't work as well as they used to? For an hour? During sex?1
1Well, ok fifteen minutes.

The morbid fixation on the ubiquity of death.
.....Wait...No, that's been there since I was a kid. Never mind.

The body.
.....I worry a lot about my urinary tract. The doctor says I should keep track of how often I have to go pee at night. Drinking beer past 7:00 pm can now bring on a sleepless night thinking about prostate surgery.
.....Every time I drink a milkshake, I can feel it coating my heart like a drain clog -- a tasty chocolate treat of a drain clog.
.....Some days, I go almost an entire hour without thinking about sex.2
2Well, ok fifteen minutes.

Good Karma*

2005-07-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Top 20 songs currently in rotation on my Karma.

(in no particular order)

1. In Da Club - 50 Cent
2. Possession - Sarah McLachlan
3. ABC - The Jackson Five
4. Wild Thing & Push It (remix) - Tone Loc & Salt-n-Pepa (with guitar riffs from 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' by Yes)
5. Switch - Will Smith
6. Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve
7. Vertigo - U2
8. Sure Shot - The Beastie Boys
9. If You Have To Ask - Red Hot Chili Peppers
10. White Lines - GrandMaster Flash
11. What You Waiting For? - Gwen Stefani
12. How Many Drugs Does It Take (remix) - L'il Kim vs. Eminem (How Many Licks Does It Take mixed with The Drug Ballad)
13. The Headphonist - Kinky
14. Yeah - Usher
15. Drop It Like It's Hot - Snoop Dogg
16. Paradise City - Guns-N-Roses
17. Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order
18. Enjoy The Silence (Timo Maas Mix) - Depeche Mode
19. Creep - Radiohead
20. Groove Is In The Heart - Dee-Lite

*(what I named my Rio Karma when the registration software asked me to "name this device")

Things Meat Eaters Say That Annoy Me

2005-07-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

1. Why do vegetarians eat fake meat? Why not just eat meat?!
We do it to piss you off! Now pass the Kung Pao Veggie Chicken.

2. Is this dish ok? There's only a little meat in it. You can pick it out.
OK, replace "a little meat" with "a little human flesh" and you'll see how I feel about this.

3. Do you eat fish?
Of course I don't eat fish. I'm not from Marin County. Despite what some Catholic may have told you on a random Friday, anything in the animal kingdom is meat. Yes, that includes this hideous coloring agent in the fruit punch.

4. ...or chicken?
*sigh*

5. Is chicken/fish/lobster/clams/balogna meat?
Yes. They're meat. I thought we settled this already. Stop asking.

6. If you don't eat meat how come you wear a leather jacket?
Um, do you see me eating the leather jacket? No. No you don't.

7. I made a Jello™ salad for desert!
Stop pestering me and make some god damned chocolate mousse already!

8. How can you eat tofu? I tried it once and it was gross.
Tofu is an ingredient in other dishes. Eating tofu by itself is like chugging a Crisco™ smoothie. Does the smooth taste of Crisco™ shortening turn you off from eating cake?

9. A little chicken broth is ok, isn't it?
Why do you hate me?

10. How do you get enough protein?
Magic. The same magic that cows use to turn themselves into 1,300 pound slabs of steak.

11. Why are you a vegetarian?
Look, we just met ten minutes ago. Have I asked you at what age you discovered you had a personality disorder? No. Because that's a personal question that only people who know you can ask. Are you ever gonna pass that veggie chicken?

A List By Eric Maierson

2005-06-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

THINGS I'D PROBABLY SAY IF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION WERE JUST A WEEKLY TV SHOW AND I WERE A REGULAR VIEWER

"Now, see, you can't just go and do something like that. That would be illegal."

"Boy, someone's gonna get fired for that."

"Wasn't that the one who made all the mistakes? Why is she getting promoted?"

"Come on, in real life you'd never get away with something like that."

"They really expect us to believe that?"

"Am I the only one confused here?"

"Does this make any sense to you?"

"Why is this still on?"

A List By Roy Futterman

2005-06-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

FUTURE WINNERS OF THE NEW YORKER CARTOON CAPTION CONTEST.

"You are doing something unusual, Harold!"

"I certainly am in a bar with other businessmen."

"This desert island is a bummer."

"I love being wealthy in the Hamptons."

"I'm saying a cliché in a different context, Pam."

"Boy, I sure do like intercourse."

"I'm thinking something incongruous to what I'm doing."

"Wanda, we are doing some nutty things in this picture!"

Top 10 Musical Numbers

2005-06-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

10. Dancing Queen - Mamma Mia
9. One Last Kiss - Bye Bye Birdie
8. The Wages of Sin - The Mystery of Edwin Drood
7. Hair - Hair
6. Cell Block Tango - Chicago
5. The Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show
4. Luck be a Lady - Guys & Dolls
3. It's a Hard-Knock Life - Annie
2. Summer Nights - - Grease
1. Bring on the Men - Jekyll & Hyde

Friends don't let friends drink Cuervo or Patron.

2005-06-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of tequilas I've sampled, that are preferable to those affronts to the nectar of the sacred agave named above.

Hint: Silver/Plata/Blanco tequilas are for Shots and Margaritas. Anejo's are for sipping, like whiskey. Reposados can go either way, depends on the Reposado. In general if it's smoky tasting or too woody, it's not going to make a good margarita.

Silver/Plata/Blanco
Sauza Tres Generaciones Plata* (my favorite shooting tequila)
Espolon Silver* (best for margaritas)
Porfidio Plata* (best for shots, but expensive)
Don Fernando Plata* (love it, but it's hard to find. similar to the Tres Generaciones in taste)
El Tesoro Platinum
Herradura Silver* (sub this for the vodka in a lemon drop and YUM)
Don Julio Silver
Hacienda del Cristero Blanco
Don Eduardo Silver
Milagro Silver
Oro Azul Plata
Tequila Lapis

Reposado (Sometimes called Gold, although Reposados are aged for 6 months to a year, and some Gold tequilas like Cuervo & Sauza are less than 6 months, but have coloring added that makes them appear golden)
Chinaco Reposado* (good as a shot or a magarita)
Milagro Reposado
Sauza Hornitos* (but only in a magarita)
Herradura Reposado* (shot/margarita)
Gran Centenario Reposado* (good enough to sip)
Tres Mujeres Reposado
El Jimador Reposado
Cazadores Reposado
Espolon Reposado
Casa Noble Reposado*

Anejo
Corralejo Anejo
Sauza Tres Generaciones Anejo *
Don Julio Anejo
Porfidio Anejo* (really hard to find, so if you do, spend the money & try it)
El Tesoro Anejo
Del Dueno Anejo
Sauza Conmemorotivo* (this is the only anejo I'd shoot or use in a magarita, but it's not a good sip)
Don Fernando Anejo*
Herradura Anejo
Purasangre Anejo
Chinaco Anejo*
Don Eduardo Anejo

Mezcals you should try if you dare (they taste like a bonfire)
Don Amado Plata
Scorpion Mezcal Reposado
Mezcal Reposado de los Narro
Del Maguey Crema de Mezcal
Del Maguey - Minero
Del Maguey - Chichicapa
Del Maguey - Albarradas
Del Maguey - San Luis del Rio

* denotes a favorite

Our cat enjoys....

2005-06-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Being full of sass
Licking the leftover shower water immediately after the shower is finished
Sitting with her leg out (shown below)
Nudging owners' hands with her wet nose while they are using the computer
Sitting on a lap that is either occupied with a book or magazine
Push-pushing on things that are soft (standard)
Feeling the love
Sleeping on my head or his chest, but not on his head or my chest
Beating us with her tail while not making eye contact
Talking to birds (only on rare occasions)

10 Things I've Forgotten Lately

2005-06-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Women I thought I "admired"

2005-06-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

Really, I had big ole girl crushes on them, and I was lusting after them. I did not, however, understand this until my mid-twenties.

Think of all the years of fantasy I wasted!!!

Patsy Pease
She played Kim Brady on Days of our Lives. I had my whole 5th grade class hooked on the show, and we all had a character whose persona we somehow took on in a sort of on-going recess and lunchtime role-playing thing. (she's the only one that doesn't fit the basic body type of the rest of them: she was short, petite and big-breasted. Only Susan Sarandon comes anything close to that)

Greta Garbo
I was in New York. But I was only 13 and she wanted to be alone. She died the day I left NYC. If memory serves, it was Good Friday. I didn't feel very good about it.

Kathleen Turner
Those legs! That Voice! Those steely blue, piercing eyes. Should my parents have let me watch Body Heat or Crimes of Passion
at 13? Probably not, but no matter, I'd been in love with her since I was 8, watching Romancing the Stone.

Mrs. MacGregor
My 6th and 8th grade math teacher. I wanted her to adopt me. (and if I'd thought about it at the time, do horrible, wonderful things to me).

Susan Sarandon
I saw Rocky Horror at my first Cast Party freshman year. And all I can say is, "Toucha Toucha Touch Me, I Wanna Be Dirty!"

Sharon Stone
This one was brief, I admired her balls, and the fact that she kept doing psycho-sexual movies there for a while.

Emma Thompson
It was Howard's End that drew me in to her talent. Her Oscar acceptance speech made me love her. Much Ado About Nothing made me want to move to London and go to work in her husband's production company. And I'll admit it, even in high school, I fantasized about having sex with her. But it was usually in a foursome with her, Kenneth, some random guy I invisioned myself with, and me. I still have this crush. Emma is the shit, and always will be.

Natasha Richardson
She gets hotter as she gets older. She's got impeccable genes. And she gets to fuck Liam Neeson. I'd like to watch.

Jill Hennessy
At this point, I was starting to get it. But instead of lusting after her, I wrote erotic fan fiction about Sam Waterston's Law & Order character fucking Jill's L&Ocharacter.

I figured it out during Jill.

Songs Stuck in My Head - June 28th 2005

2005-06-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

7:00 am: Zuton Fever - The Zutons: ...like an epidemic runnin' through my head...
7:30 am: Froggy Went a Courtin' - Traditional: ...sword and pistol by his side...
7:32 am: Zuton Fever - The Zutons: ...I get a funny feelin'...
10:00 am: She's White - Electric Six: ...she's white like the light nevuh like the night...
10:15 am: Zuton Fever - The Zutons: ...that Zuton Fever in my head...
10:30 am: Gay Bar - Electric Six: ...in the GAY bar, GAY bar, GAY bar, GAY BAR...
2:00 pm: The Trogdor Theme Song - Strong Bad: ...burninating the peasants...
2:15 pm: Zuton Fever - The Zutons: ...just like I'm 10 years old...
2:20 pm: Gay Bar - Electric Six: ...GIRL! I wanna take you to a gay bar...
2:22 pm: (blissful silence): ...
2:24 pm: Gay Bar - Electric Six: ...in the GAY bar, GAY bar, GAY bar, GAY BAR...
2:55 pm: Zuton Fever - The Zutons: (guitar solo)

Marise is...

2005-06-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

marise is a member of several parliamentary associations including those of population and development
marise is making is that demand for property in and around the resort is ramping up
marise is a partner in community management services
marise is a registered nurse
marise is a 22 year old south african citizen who emigrated to canada a little over 16 months ago
marise is my first design for a four
marise is the author of children's book
marise is the name of the ex
marise is a soft cup cotton
marise is a soft cup 70% cotton bra with comfy wide straps and soft side
marise is bringing you the future
marise is determined to prove that a woman's place is not just in the home
marise is a practising chartered accountant
marise is unavailable ask our secretary
marise is a dietitian
marise is still trying to track down a few bidders
marise is a shield dwarf from citadel adbar
marise is smiling once again after the gnome's joke
marise is 21 and our exchange visitor going back to her homeland in three months time
marise is a patissier's daughter and both their children are in the food business
marise is unpopular
marise is one of the best museum professionals in the country
marise is complete with this movie
marise is not japanese for endless; it's a french name
marise is completely calm in the face of a ravenous blue mutant
marise is the head educator of the saito dojo for young girls in the village of iiga
marise is moving to montreal for a job
marise is lively
marise is just in the business of doing what has to be done

Fleur is...
fleur is portrayed as a legend whose name most of the other characters are afraid to even breath without consequence
fleur is living in the hollywood hills
fleur is making a comeback
fleur is an historic building in an historic town
fleur is ideally located in the heart of the ancient cinque port of sandwich
fleur is widely quoted in the electronic and print media
fleur is open seven days a week
fleur is determined to be all that and more
fleur is in london to arrange for a season for her stepdaughter althea
fleur is a child of money
fleur is a guest character on the syndicated television show
fleur is really beautiful
fleur is web page design
fleur is 10 years old now
fleur is french for flower
fleur is very beautiful
fleur is a professional vehicle of classic style and proportions; a coach befitting a regal service
fleur is zigzagging toward the podium at the front of a miami hotel ballroom
fleur is famous for her crowning
fleur is tall for a girl her age
fleur is famous for her crowning glory
fleur is only one of their color variants
fleur is threatened by corrosive forces that have taken root within the community
fleur is also teaching speech and drama privately to 80 students
fleur is connected
fleur is the only japanese chin living with us and amongst our chihuahuas
fleur is a fantasy based adobe dedicated to mere feeling of surrealism
fleur is the lake on your left
fleur is situated in one of the most beautiful parts of guernsey
fleur is going on a holiday to where sunny is kept so she can be 'trained' and go to shows
fleur is nestled against the wilderness mountainside with breathtaking views of the ocean and the lagoon
fleur is my special friend
fleur is the way she keeps her composure
fleur is consumed by her work on the novel
fleur is a 17 year old girl
fleur is a senior consultant and systems architect with a long record of successfully designing and implementing
fleur is the brainchild of maria maranghi
fleur is a soft feminine and unashamedly romantic fragrance
fleur is an ab initio electronic structure program based on the full potential linearised augmented plane wave method
fleur is a new flap
fleur is well composed
fleur is a real tiger
fleur is heel trots
fleur is french for flower and i looooove flowers
fleur is the ringmaster in alegria
fleur is a distinctive shop which presents a large selection of unique and
fleur is part veela
fleur is enjoying her work and they will be having a refit of the store soon
fleur is most likely to say ``get outta my face
fleur is looking forward to the annual griqua national conference this coming easter
fleur is responsible for validating
fleur is all about flowers
fleur is a delightful creation
fleur is somewhat snooty; she makes disparaging comments about hogwarts
fleur is a state representative in massachusetts
fleur is flat
fleur is not your typical volunteer
fleur is an extremely light and fresh fragrance
fleur is the traumatic personal quest joey is on to find his twin daughters
fleur is funded by nasa
fleur is more than just tits and pussy
fleur is a daily practiced sport "nenenenenehhhhh
fleur is diametrically opposed
fleur is a seal bi
fleur is a haitian immigrant

Nikole is .... (More fun with Googlisms)

2005-06-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

nikole is a vital member of the admission staff
nikole is the center of the ovce pole
nikole is connected to the following things
nikole is experienced in many types of behavioral work
nikole is organized as one company with a board of directors and a managing director
nikole is available by contacting her at 877
nikole is the person to call to schedule meetings and for general questions about the pfc
nikole is no stranger to the nbc family
nikole is a town of hard
nikole is picky; she'll only swipe your flip
nikole is a twenty one year old spy/kama sutra pro masquerading as a second
nikole is the one to ask
nikole is the exception to every rule
nikole is hauled out into a lamplit kitchen
nikole is having her own version of a time out
nikole is the 2
nikole is nutty you should meet kelly she is wild
nikole is always fun to watch so the only problem here is that the back of the car isn’t that well lit (I think they're following me ...)
nikole is a big surprise
nikole is growing and changing so much
nikole is just being introduced into the horse show life
nikole is on here all the time
nikole is wearing a bonnet and holding a stuffed bunny while jarrett prepares to give her a kiss
nikole is in
nikole is a posting freak in my lifetime
nikole is one sexy kick ass mother fucker
nikole is a pre
nikole is conducting experiments in an isolation tank
nikole is story collector
nikole is very knowledgeable about obedience and animal behavior
nikole is ready and willing to assist students and faculty with advisement needs
nikole is a solid outfielder who's got good speed and a good arm
nikole is situated in the central part of republic macedonia among these municipalities
nikole is no longer a dancer for aaron
nikole is a little bit country (I'm so NOT!!)
nikole is one with the night
nikole is a true black huacaya cria with great fleece and conformation easily seen even though she is still very young
nikole is being voiced by bliss
nikole is professional and personable
nikole is a lot sweeter looking
nikole is so extremely quiet
nikole is so terrific and the private training is such a convenience that i'm surprised the cost is so reasonable (Maybe I should up my fee?)
nikole is particularly excited about the move
nikole is a lithuanian amber company
nikole is really good at turning on the charm to anyone
nikole is wearing a bonnet and holding a stuffed bunny while jarrett prepares to give her a kiss
nikole is interested in news
nikole is mad
nikole is especially interested in special education ("special")
nikole is pretty cute too
nikole is going to kick my ass (yeah, so watch out!)
nikole is at home
nikole is still #1
nikole is worked in
nikole is leaving at the end of this month
nikole is still not
nikole is around

and:

serre is departing from western to take over the helm at gt's
serre is rather far down to the south (my favorite place to be ...)
serre is a medieval fortified village founded in the year 800 by the byzantines to ward off the longobards and is half way between the hills of chianti
serre is one of the masters of mathematical exposition
serre is convincing as the laid
serre is one of the oldest estates in saint
serre is told elsewhere
serre is a less popular alternative parking area to pas de peyrol
serre is aubergine
serre is concise and elegant
serre is not only wine (I'm the cheese, too)
serre is probably too terse for the beginner but there's a lot of neat stuff in his book that is hard to dig out from other texts
serre is the chief engineer for pitts (someone call Pitty!)
serre is located in a charming pedestrian street
serre is the ideal place to call home in paris (so come inside and make yourself at home)

The If I Were A Better Slut List (Men I Have Not Had Sex With But Wish I Had)

2005-06-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

david - my first boyfriend. we were too young, but even now i think back on the chemistry as being pretty powerful. i think we would've been good together.
BJ - i met him when i was about 12 and he was about 15. i crushed on him throughout high school. come to think of it, i'm still crushing.
the older man who appraoched me at grand central - i'm not sure how to convey this in a way that isn't creepy, but it wasn't.
marcus - even though he's a git.
d'arcy - but this comes and goes; i sort of wish we had early on to get it out of the way. on the other hand, it's kinda cool that we never have, because now it can be a bittersweet "what if" type thing.
george clooney - not that the opportunity has presented itself. but seriously, of all celebrities in the world, clooney is to me the end-all, be-all of hot. the fact that he's smart, snarky and liberal doesn't hurt.

The Slut List (Men I've Had Sex With)

2005-06-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

in chronological order:

jamie
jim
eric*
jason
steve
joe
kevin
david
sam*
michael*
peter*
jon
jody
andy
tony
ben
jason
tim*
greg*
mark*

*one-night stands

sex = intercourse

Jobs*

2005-06-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Dishwasher; Dave's Luncheonette

Prep Cook; Dave's Luncheonette

Dessert-er; Dave's Luncheonette

Waitress; Dave's Luncheonette

Sales Associate; Supermarket of Shoes

Line Crew; Owens-Corning Fiberglass

Cashier; Linen's N Things

Butcher's Apprentice; McCarroll's Village Butcher

Sales Associate; The Fabric Hutch

Campaign Worker; Defenders of Wildlife

Waitress; Gateway Diner

Assistant Manager; Roxy Dry Cleaners

Shift Supervisor; Westmere Home For Adults

Delivery Driver; My Place & Company

Cook; My Place & Company

Nanny; Delmar, NY

Sales Associate; I Love Books, Inc.

Children's Book Buyer; I Love Books, Inc.

Delivery Driver; Lou-Bea's Pizza

Assistant Manager; Lou-Bea's Pizza

Ice Cream Server; Tom's Tastee Treat

Fry Cook; Tom's Tastee Treat

Literacy Specialist; Inmate Literacy

Associate Director; Inmate Literacy/Community Outreach Program

Private ESL Tutor; Mountain View, CA

Sales Associate; Cost Plus World Market

Nanny; Palo Alto, CA

Lab Technician; Foothill College, Photography Department

Teaching Assistant; Foothill College, Photography Department

Assistant Manager; Wessex Used Books & Records

Nanny; San Francisco, CA

*This is, most likely, not all of them and does not include any job that I worked as a volunteer. Also, I babysat almost every weekend for 8 years. Those jobs aren't included either.

Missy Is...

2005-06-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

missy is here
missy is in need of a loving home in pa
missy is such a good girl
missy is a loser
missy is deaf
missy is the loveliest woman i've seen
missy is now fixed
missy is the baddest around
missy is garnering attention
missy is so addictive
missy is hiding behind josiah
missy is at the water bowl
missy is the best artist
missy is the dog equivalent of a rorschach test
missy is described as a quiet little girl
missy is awesome
missy is troubled by an intense secret interest in s&m
missy is talking to us
missy is probably going to die
missy is housetrained
missy is late
missy is the coolest
missy is the best
missy is medium gold in color and weighs approximately 70 lbs
missy is very quiet and social with excellent blood lines
missy is owned by joel and lori johnson
missy is never successfully cloned
missy is an inspiration and pleasure to work with
missy is soft
missy is hot
missy is over my house
missy is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives
missy is available for sale
missy is not infallible
missy is willing to pulverize
missy is gracious enough
missy is glad that the group didn't work out
missy is sponsored for $25 per month
missy is free
missy is so happy that she has a buddy
missy is currently the greatest threat
missy is unafraid to explore escapism and shattered inhibitions
missy is one of several that were abandoned
missy is recuperating very well and we're optimistic
missy is very excited

compiled from a search on googlism.com

Magnet For Crazy: Or Strange Things That Have Happened On (or on the way to) The Bus

2005-06-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

-For years I used to "randomly" have encounters with special-needs aduts under poor supervision by their attendants from point A to point B on the bus. They would sit next to me and tell me their life story, or their day to that point, or whatever. Finally I realized it was the same bus route every time and their assisted living home was on the route.

-The guy who sat next to me in the back of the bus when I was 13 and sitting in the very back seat of the bus was cool. He asked me if I'd read in the newspaper about him being murdered the week before. When I asked how he'd died, he told me he had been stabbed 11 times in the shower.

-The Drunk Guy who decided I was his girlfriend and was trying to molest me. In the end the bus driver stopped the bus and made him get off.

-The crazy lady who spat on me on my way to BART. (there isn't more to that story, there was no other altercation)

-The other Drunk Guy who threw up on me on the 22 Fillmore. He got on through the back door. The driver wasn't having it, they started to argue. I was seated next to the back door. Somehow, I ended up w/ a neck full of puke.

-The flicking on the # 15. Sitting there listening to my MP3 player, I was flicked in the back of the head. I have no idea why, or what actually hit me at that point. I turn around and this woman is staring at me. I had seen her get on, I thought she was a doctor or nurse, given the scrubs. I figure the music is too loud and turn it down. Then flick again. I turn around, it's obviously her. I take the head phones off and query "lady, why are you hitting me?" sounded all wounded and pathetic. She starts ranting about me getting off the bus. I look down, she's in slippers. Clearly an escaped patient, not a doctor or nurse. I get up and move to the front, she's still screamin' at me. No one does a thing. I got off at the next stop.

-The guy who wanted to kill me because he'd just gotten out of jail and didn't mind going back. The packed F-Market car came to an abrupt halt, everyone fell into everyone, and righted themselves. The guy in front of me seemed to think the whole thing was my fault. He asked me if my mother had taught me any manners. I told him she'd taught me not to talk to strangers. He threatened me. I asked him if he thought that was such a good idea in front of so many people. He didn't care, he'd just gotten out of prison and didn't mind going back. My very gay best friend stood cowering behind me, not helping. He was more scared than I was. For some reason my aggressor got off at the next stop.

Why My Dad Makes Me Uncomfortable

2005-06-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I love my dad, no matter what.

I feel like I'm a disappointment to him
He's tried to convert me to his religion, and
He once sent missionaries to our house to try to sway (or brainwash) me & my mom
We had an uncomfortable frank discussion when I was 17 in which he asked "Are you chaste?" I didn't lie, I wasn't. He said "Well, that doesn't mean you have to keep doing it!"
He almost disowned me for moving in with my boyfriend (he's kinda gotten over it)
He's an ex-smoker who feels the need to make comments about smokers (me) like:
When he interrupted me mid-sentence to say "wow, your teeth are really getting yellow from smoking" (not that I'm saying I should smoke, but damn)
Technology, TV, movies and music are mostly offensive to him
He's sensitive (like me)

Part 2: Why My Dad Makes Me Feel Special

Unlike some dads, he didn't just disappear after the divorce - he's always kept in contact with us kids
When I was probably about 10, I picked him out the "coolest" Father's Day shirt that I liked - which was pink and had bold writing all over it. Looking back it was horribly gaudy, but he wore it just for me anyhow.
When I was about 12 and staying with him for the summer, he was there for me through one of the worst times in my life. That was the first panic attack/breakdown I had and he'd stay up all night talking with me since I was afraid to go to sleep.
He's honest and upfront about mistakes he's made in the past, doesn't have a problem sharing his feelings.
He picked out and bought me a car.
When I had my first period, I was excited to tell people. (I don't know, I was weird) My dad sent me a congratulatory card and $15, even though I'm sure talking about that stuff made him uncomfortable.
He's sensitive (like me)

6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon

2005-06-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

this is a fun game to play from time to time. I'm going to just do random celebrities/polititicans with whom I have 6 or less degrees of separation.

Me-Boss#1-His Kid-Gwen Stefani, Santana (and think of all the people those connections bring!)

Me-Boss#1-Jerry Harrison, Chris Columbus

Me (phone only)-Jerry Harrison, Valerie Harper, Elliot Gould

Me-Boss#2-His brother-Bruce Willis

Me-Boss#2-His dad-JFK, RFK, Clinton, Thurgood Marshall, LBJ, and various other politicos and foreign heads of state (again, think of all the connections those bring)

Me-My Aunt-Her Best Friend-Bonnie Raitt, Frank Sinatra (that gives me the whole Rat Pack!)

Me-my best friend-Wilmer Valderama-Lindsay Lohan

Me-my best friend-Ashton Kutcher-Steve Martin, Demi Moore, and so many others

Me-My mom-mom's co-worker-mother of mom's co-worker-Emma Thompson

Me-Adam Scott-the cast of Six Feet Under, The cast of NYPD Blue, The cast of Party of Five, Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd

Me-Kristanna Loken-(to name a few) Pink, Arnold Schwarzenegger (brings me another Kennedy connection, not to mention Emma and a shitload of other people), Ben Kingsley, Julian Sands, Michael Madsen, Ving Rhames, James Woods, Claire Daines, Will from Will & Grace, Jill Hennessy, Prince Rainier, Anya from Buffy (and thus the cast of Buffy!!)

Me-Paolo Montalban-Brandy, Whitney Houston, Whoopie Goldberg

And yes, I can even get Kevin Bacon:

Me-Kristanna-Arnold-Emma Thompson-Meryl Streep-Kevin Bacon

Celebrities I Have Had Crushes On

2005-06-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

In chronological order, starting at age 9:

David Janssen. The Fugitive... so dark and tortured. In my diary, I wrote "I want to have him over for dinner".)

Donny Osmond. It was only puppy love.

David Cassidy. I think I love you!

Davey Jones. I'm a believer! I'll meet you at the station, Davey! Bring Mike Nesmith with you.

Robert Blake. And you can take dat to de bank.

Elton John. I don't know what was I thinking. Was it the glasses?

David Bowie. The Man Who Rocked My World. I made my boyfriend agree to let me have sex with him, should the opportunity ever arise. In return, I allowed him Kate Bush.

Nick Cave. Do you love me like I love you? If not, may I have Blixa?

Places the Cat (Serge) Has Scratched Me

2005-06-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

Both Hands
Palms of Both Hands
Tips of 3 Fingers
Inside my wrists
Left Calf
My back while crawling up it
My shoulder
My chest (not boobies, just the chest, on several occasions)
My neck (he almost bled me out)
Inside my upper lip
The side of my torso
My thigh
My knee
Inside my nostril

What I Had for Breakfast on Fathers' Day

2005-06-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

2 cups of coffee with cream and a bit of sugar
1 bagel with apricot jam
4 large olives stuffed with feta cheese
1 small bowl of blueberries
1 small bowl of cherries

and in remembrance of my father

1 fudgesicle

Disgusting Things I Have Eaten

2005-06-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

1. Sweetbreads (they're a gland and they seem like one)
2. A fly (by mistake! It flew into my mouth!)
3. Warm, lumpy powdered milk (courtesy of my mom)
4. Horse (also courtesy of my mom... child abuse, in my opinion)
5. Blood pudding (the name really says it all)
6. Haggis (there are lungs in there)
7. Kidneys (I don't know how the Brits manage it)
8. Underdone soft boiled eggs (thanks again, mom)
9. Oxtail (shudder)

Things the Cat (Serge) has tried to steal

2005-06-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

by "steal" I mean, "picks up and prances around the house with it between his teeth"

1) Tin Foil from a chocolate bar
2) The "hot dripping kitty love" post-it
3) The "I am a pampered kitty" post it.
4) An 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper with "I am inflamed with kitty love" written on it
5) A floral print napkin
6) A $1 bill (he's ready for the strip club, apparently)**
7) A $5 bill
8) A $20 bill
9) Lil Bit
10) Bags of screws while I was building my dresser
11) Plastic Wrappers found on the floor in my roommate's room
12) The "I am a Nugget" sticker
13) Bus Passes
14) A pair of my panties
15) Receipts
16) The phone bill (go ahead and pay it, Kitty)
17) My pot stash

**
(sorry it's a little blurry, he was moving fast!)

Things I did not want to hear after sex

2005-06-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

8. "Oh man, I could really go for a burrito right now" (goes and gets said burrito - just one for him, proceeds to eat in front of me)

7. "Why the fuck are you crying?" (actually this was right before he went to get the burrito - BAD NIGHT)

6. "Umm...what happened to the condom? I knew I had one on, is it inside you?"

5. "I don't know if I can respect you anymore"

4. "Well, my rule is I don't have girls spend the night, so I don't know where you gotta go, but you can't stay here"

3. "What was that I just heard? Is your mom home?..... shit!"

2. "Sorry, but I really had to pee that whole time" (actually that was after a very long unsuccessful blowjob - not cool! Could've told me!)

1. ...and here it is, the most painful one at the time because it was my first sex, and feeling the need for it to be special I had said "I love you"....

he sighed and said "Well, you shouldn't"

But ya know, live and learn. I'd like to thank the above losers for giving me stories to tell if nothing else. I'd also like to thank my current boyfriend for being sweet and not included on this list. And I'd also like to thank you for inviting me to your blog, and hope I didn't taint it by sounding bitter - I really can look back on these things and laugh, mostly.

El Gallo's List of Big Lies

2005-06-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

(note: these aren't necessarily lies I've told.)

11. I just need a dollar for the bus.
10. No, I'm totally OK with it.
9. We have no choice.
8. We really appreciate the job you're doing here.
7. Jesus loves you.
6. There is a God.
5. I love you.
4. I came so hard.
3. We're just friends.
2. I'm not a racist, but...
1. Mission Accomplished.

Movies

2005-06-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

My Top 20

1. Much Ado About Nothing
2. Mars Attacks
3. Secretary
4. Pulp Fiction
5. Being John Malkovich
6. Silence of the Lambs
7. Romancing the Stone
8. Scarface
9. Run Lola Run
10. Serial Mom
11. Gone With the Wind
12. Howard's End
13. Body Heat
14. Remains of the Day
15. Return of the Jedi
16. Steal Magnolias
17. Mean Girls
18. Bulworth
19. Dead Again
20. Thirteen

And these are really dumb movies I love because they make me laugh(in no particular order)

Dude, Where's My Car?
National Lampoon's European Vacation
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
PCU
Dodgeball
Junior
Zoolander
Tomcats
Old School
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Revenge of the Nerds
Porky's
Porky's II, Porky's Revenge
Happy Gilmore

Women I Didn't Have Sex With

2005-06-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

(All names have been changed to protect those women ashamed to even admit to having considered sex with me.)

Punk Rock Girl #2
She said she was well practiced giving blow jobs and that I looked like her favorite ex-boyfriend. But even though my girlfriend was out of town, I still had a girlfriend.

Not Quite Anais Nin
We didn't have a condom when we needed it.

The Young Professional
We were both drunk enough to ignore that we weren't each other's type, but not drunk enough to ignore her boyfriend standing across the room.

Let's Do it Again
I was dating someone I didn't want to lose.

Elaine Benis
I'd ended a years long relationship just that day - climbing on top of me was flattering, but not what I was in the mood for.

Moveable Feast
It may not have looked like it, but I was with someone else, and she actually didn't want to share.

Cute Girl at Bar
I was in love with someone else. Besides which, I was too drunk to be any good anyway.

Girl Making Out in Back Seat
I appreciated the offer, but I would have been more likely to accept if she'd been making out with me when she suggested it.

Horny Neighbor #1
I so would have skipped the concert and gone home with her that night, but my girlfriend would have noticed.

Punk Rock Girl #1
Again, the whole girlfriend getting in the way thing. Which I really regretted...

Punk Rock Girl #1's Roomate
See above.

The Young Republican
If I was going to pass up Punk Rock Girl #1 and her roomate, I sure wasn't going to cheat on my girlfriend with a Republican. Not even a hot Republican.

Brenda Starr
She was just my type: voluptuous, sexually adventurous, punk rock writer type. And we were both drunk. And I still had a girlfriend.

Cute Graduate Student
I didn't mean to not have sex with her. Sometimes I just screw up.

Suddenly Interested
I would feel worse about this if she hadn't turned me down before, but by this time I was involved with someone else.

Take Home Groper
Circumstances just always seemed to get in the way.

Sad Young Woman
She only wanted to have sex because she was so sad that night. I think the long walk and the talk was better for both of us.

Gee-Ell-Oh-Are-Eye-Ay!
She was so alone, and she wanted me to replace what was missing in her life. Taking her home was the right thing to do, even if screwing her best friend wasn't.

Ginger Ale
She wanted to cheat off my tests. She wanted to go smoke pot. She was 18. She was hot. She was the most annoying person I had ever met in my life, and I didn't want to have to spend time alone with her -- not even naked.

El Gallo's List of Odd Encounters

2005-06-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

1. On my way to return a movie to the videostore, a woman holding a crack pipe performed a writhing dance on the sidewalk and declared to me "You're so seeeeexy!"

2. A man wearing a sports jersey approached me in a SafeWay parking lot. He asked me if he could try on my great looking glasses. He also told me about how hard it was to get money for the bus if you've just been released from jail.

3. A woman at the grocery store poked her finger into the "evildoer" on my "evildoer" t-shirt and informed me that I most certainly was not an evildoer. Not at all.

4. A nervous man standing next to me on the bus turned to a cute young blonde woman, said "Helloooooo Dolly" and then just stared at her in silence until he got off at the next stop.

5. In Martuni's, a husband and his wife engaged me in a long conversation which ended with the husband angrily demanding "Well if you're not gay, then why are you in here?"

Places I've had sex.

2005-06-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

In my car.
In her car.
The Walgreens parking lot.
A construction site.
Parked outside her house.

My bedroom.
Her bedroom.
The living room, dining room, bathroom, kitchen and hallway.
Upstairs.
Downstairs.
The garage.

Outside an abandoned school.
In an empty house.
My parents' house.
Her parents' house.
Her and her husband's house.

In a park.
By the duck pond.
By a lake.
In the woods.
The side of the road.
The middle of the road.
In front of the tv.

Connecticut.
Boston.
New Hampshire.
Indiana.
Milwaukee.
Saint Louis.
Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Amarillo.
Albuquerque.
Las Vegas.
San Francisco.
Monterrey.
Napa.

In a hotel.
In a hot tub.
In a pool.
In the bathtub.
In the shower.
In a room full of people.
At a party.
In "The Dungeon".
The women's room at Julip.

Her loft.
My loft.
Our loft.
Our friend's house.
On the floor of her apartment.

Her couch, my couch, the couch in the lounge, the pull-out couch, our friend's couch.
More than one futon.

Against the wall.

My bed.
Her bed.
The guest bed.
My girlfriend's bed.
Her girlfriends' bed.
Our bed.

Places The Cat (Kismet) Has Barfed

2005-06-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

On the kitchen rug
In the hallway
In the laundry room
On the living room rug
On the other living room rug
On the easy chair
On our bed
Down the front stairs
In the tub
From the kitchen counter into the silverware drawer
On the bathroom rug
On the guest bedroom rug
Down the back stairs
On the kitchen table
In the doorway between the laundry room and kitchen (in front of our dinner guests)

Requests For "Any Ladies" (from Craigslist kink forum)

2005-06-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

Any ladies that like to have sex in nylons?
Any ladies like to go barefoot?
Any ladies like flashing their panties in public?
Any ladies like doing things outside?

Any ladies like to party?
Any ladies like to be spanked?
Any ladies like to have their toes sucked?

Any ladies up for some fun on the phone tonight?
Any ladies like a guy with a long lasting tongue?

Any ladies want to chat?
Any ladies want to chat kinky?
Any ladies want to discuss my love of lapping pussy?
Any ladies want to fuck my face?

Any ladies want to chat about dick torture?
Any ladies want to get down and dirty?
Any ladies wanna chat 24 male?

Any ladies wanna see my pics or talk to me or if anyone wants to email me?

Any ladies want some hot fun?
Any ladies want to get bum rashed?
Any ladies want to have fun with my boy toy?

Any ladies want to fuck tonight?
Any ladies want to cum tonight?
Any ladies want to meet in Springfield?

Any ladies want to talk dirty tonight?
Any ladies want to cum hide under my desk?
Any ladies that just want to get a beer and possibly hook up?

Any ladies into guys in panties and lingerie?
Any ladies into Solar Oil play?
Any ladies into anal fisting?

Any ladies interested in anonymous phone sex?
Any ladies interested in bi older women 56 yrs?
Any ladies need a good afternoon spank?

Any ladies need a foot massage?
Any ladies ok with man massaging your nice pretty ass?
Any ladies into catfighting/erotic wresting?

Any ladies here willing to give footjobs?
Any ladies here interested in a tongue bath?
Any ladies here into the whole clothed female nude male fetish?

Any ladies ever out here from Connecticut?

Any ladies out there into bondage?
Any ladies out there into fisting?
Any ladies out there wish to share a smoky kiss?

Any ladies out there want to tie me up?
Any ladies out there want there ass worshipped?
Any ladies out there looking for a clean-cut, tall, attractive guy to dominate and humiliate?

Any ladies out there who want some free phonesex with a guy, or who have AIM on a Mac and like to voice chat?

Any ladies out there experienced squirters?
Any ladies just had sex?
Any ladies around feeling sociable this evening?

Any ladies menstruating currently?
Any ladies selling used panties?
Any ladies loaded with cum?

Any ladies in the East Bay wanna webcam?
Any ladies in San Diego interested in giving hot oral sex?
Any ladies in midtown feel like being kinky and meeting me at my office?

Any ladies in West Palm tonight?
Any ladies up for some fun on the phone tonight?
Any ladies looking for some fun, drinks and dancing tonight?

Any ladies tried one of those fucking machines that you see on porn sites?

Any horny ladies?
Any sexy ladies?
Any Seattle ladies?
Any Columbus ladies?

Any ladies in Sacramento?
Any ladies near Long Beach?

Any ladies from Michigan?
Any ladies from Dublin?
Any ladies from the East Bay?

Any ladies from Portland?
Any ladies from Fresno?
Any ladies from Denver?
Any rimming ladies in LA?

Any attractive ladies that just want to be eaten out endlessly?

Any ladies lonely?

Any ladies still awake?

Places The Cat Has Peed

2005-06-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

1. On the bed
2. On the bedroom floor
3. On the kitchen floor
4. On the living room floor
5. On the trunk next to the bed
6. On the scratching post
7. On my laptop
8. On Michael's shirt
9. On Kristy's knitting bag
10. On me
11. In the umbrella stand
12. In the bedroom closet
13. In the hall closet
14. In Kristy's shoe
15. In the wastepaper basket
16. In mid-air
17. In the litter box (occasionally)